Living Life at 70

It has been a week since my fall and I am still confined to home and nursing a painful ankle and wrist. I can see myself thus confined for some weeks and it is in times like these that I am reminded of  the increasing vulnerability of aging, especially for people living alone.

Today is Sunday and I was angry and frustrated by my confined state. So I decided to get out, pain notwithstanding. Where could I go so I don’t feel socially isolated? I could go to Church - that didn’t come to mind as readily as Singaporean’s favourite outing - the Mall. I drove to Thomson Plaza, filled with Sunday morning shoppers, negotiated around people and shelves, without hurting myself even further. The outing did help - I did get rid of the feeling of isolation, helplessness and dependency.

Then I wondered about all those people with fewer resources and social net works! And I was reminded of a comment by Mother Theresa and here it is:

“In the developed countries there is a poverty of intimacy, a poverty of spirit, of loneliness, of lack of love. There is no greater sickness in the world today than that one”.

I wondered if Mother Theresa’s conclusion of the state of developed countries is the reason for the highest rate of suicides of older men in Singapore. I speculated about the demand for a mental hospital with the largest number of beds? Then I wondered why we as individuals, as friends, as mothers, fathers, daughters and sons, spend so much time on work!

I am also guilty of this. While I was busy with work I too had neglected my other needs ( the things I could have done to enable me to smell the roses and nurture my spirits/soul).

The phrase, eloquent and poignant, ” the poverty of spirit’ as used by Mother Theresa drives home the concept that the sense of  humanity -  concern for the human being in all of us ( nurturing our spirits) - should be an equally important concern as earning a living.

I had better do something quickly. According to statistics I could live another 20 years and I most certainly want to avoid the situation of going to a Shopping Mall for company!!

Maybe you should come to Perth and learn to live a quiet life and learn that you are no longer the centre of things, my sister said.

My term as president of AWARE was over and the trauma of the take over by a group of women who had a different goal for the organaisation was behind me. I  suffered from withdrawl symptoms for a while- from being intensely busy and preoccupied to  nothing to do. Most mornings I happily stayed in bed reading, with no feeling of rush to meet a deadline or a meeting. It was good to be able to do that. But there were days too of feeling unwanted and neglected. Hence my sister’s suggestion to go over to Perth.

I was having none of that. I was determined to stay right where I am and deal with my current reality and figure out what to do next. And yesterday morning I thought that I had figured it out. I was ready to make myself a schedule, of writing, reading,  exploring research opportunities, gym and socialising so that I don’t spend the day just daydreaming and reading and pottering around the house.

I went off to see a movie first though before I started working on a schedule. And what happened? I rushed out of the Dobhy Ghaut MRT station and on to the atrium in front of Plaza Singapura, missed a step and fell flat on the concrete floor, on my face. Everything happened so quickly. Before I could even figure  out what had happened a number of people came to my aid and helped me up. By the time i was helped up my left ankle had grown to the size of a tennis ball, my glasses had broken in the fall; I had hurt my right knee, my right shoulders and my left wrist.

I was angry with myself for not looking where I was going. But what surprised me was that I was relaxed, in a bit of shock I am sure, but felt no sense of embarrassment that I had fallen flat on my face in front a great number of people. It must have to do with the fact that as you age very few things cause embarrassment. And i told my sister “Well”, I said, ” I did it again. I was in the centre of things’!!

But then sitting here, propped up against a cushion, with my swollen foot raised, I am wondering what the universe was trying to tell me just when I was ready to take off and do something constructive with my life after a five-month haitus.

The scene was the newly upgraded and landscaped entrance of the MacRitchie Reservoir and I was enjoying the sun-drenched morning.

The sun  glistened through the freshly watered plants; the sunbirds flitted about, flying from one wet bush to another. The morning was fresh. The garden was lush, green, and delightful. Suddenly behind me I heard a loud clearing of the throat and just as quickly and loudly she spat the muck into the freshly-watered plants.

The magic of the moment was broken for me and it took me sometime to get rid of that act of ugliness from my mind.

Where ever you go, whatever the environment you will find an ugly Singaporean to remind us that a sense of civility is still a long way away!

I cannot helping thinking of the role of prisons in preparing prisoners to re-enter society?

I have been following the court case of three inmates who assaulted a fellow cell mate and inflicted the  most degrading acts on a fellow prisoner and human being.

Should the objective of imprisonment be only punishment for the crime? If that be the only objective then these prisoners serve the term and re-enter society as more hardened criminals, judging from this particular incident.

I wonder too what the prison authorities were doing when these terrible acts were being inflicted on somebody in their charge? What is their responsibility?

Perhaps it is time that we, as a society, re-examine the role of incarceration and the role of prisons, the legal system and society in rehablitating prisoners.

I would worry, if any of these men, featured in this case ( Straits Times, 15 July ‘09, pg B6) live in my neighbourhood.

I am going through what is referred to as ‘a pause’. A ‘pause’ is a time, an ‘inbetween’ time between ‘projects’ ‘life transformations’ , jobs etc anyway you got my drift. it is also an important point of time in one’s life for reflection and relaxation.

I have just stepped down as president of AWARE, after its most dramatic and tense period and which I am sure is going to be analysed, discussed and written about for many years to come.

I had taken two months off - one month spend delightfully in the company of sisters, neices and nephews in Perth and, one month in Singapore, coming to terms with being ’status’ less and free from cares and responsibilities for an organisation. It is a new phase in my life; a new experience and a ‘pause’.

Yesterday i had three friends, who I respect, trust and love for lunch and chat. We decided to tackle a most difficult and profound question ” Who am I?”.

We are usually stuck in our roles and our roles define us. Since I don’t have many roles anymore ( except being sister and aunt)  the question forced me to think beyond roles. Because what makes our roles and the way we behave in our roles is defined by who we are - the ‘being’ part of us and not the ‘doing’ part of us. “Who am I?” is  an on-going discussion and should keep me reflecting for quite a while.

The group is meeting agian in two weeks to continue our discussion. Will keep you posted.